Living life as an outsider in my own family has caused me to feel like an outsider to the world.
At school I started to depend on people while being cripplingly afraid of others. I was always frightened of anyone it didn’t matter if I knew them or not, nor if I trusted them or not, I was terrified. I spent 18 months crying everyday about leaving the house. If anyone got cross or shouted, I would freeze in fear or run away. Here came the start of not wanting to go to school, not wanting to leave the house. Things got worse in school - I was going, but crying every day.
Then the bullying started and my fear of people got worse. I was awful to be around. I was so scared and lashed out at people to keep myself safe. I got in trouble alot and so was shouted at alot which made things even worse. I was living a life of fear.
Because of this I moved primary school 6 times and we decided that I’d undergo intensive treatment and exposure. That was awful for me and I hated going. But I still went anyway as I didn’t want to be terrified anymore; I didn’t want to live in fear anymore.
I started high school feeling safer and less afraid of people but I was with a member of staff at all times to help to encourage me to be safe. I became dependent on this staff member though, and when they left I fell apart and unsurprisingly, I developed a greater fear of people again. I would have my set routes around school, and if anyone spoke to me I’d collapse in a heap and not move until I was found. I underwent another intense course of treatment to overcome my fear, but I was terrified of going back so only went to 3 sessions out of the 12 as i couldn't cope with the intensity of it.
I went back to high school after a week stay in hospital due to having a breakdown. I came out of hospital and had a pretty horrific event happen that im not going to describe here as it may not be appropriate to do so, but it meant another hospital stay and more treatment (but for something else this time). Going back to high school was so hard; I was also about to start my GCSES and oh my days I was not ready or up for sitting them, but I didn’t not want to take them. Because of this, I had an individual room and 4 members of staff..it was horrible and i hated it. But I did them all of them and went on to college.
Fear-wise things got better but i was in a lower mind set and the suicial thoughts and feelings got more extreme and worse - I was planning my death every day and it was horrible. I was in a dark place and got with the wrong group of people and everything fell apart. I’m even getting emotional as I write this now and I’m skipping out a chunk of time that I would rather not remember and moving on to now.
I’m still very afraid of life. I’m slowly getting stronger but I’m currently in a very dark and dangerous place. I’m generally not 100% safe everyday but I’m getting there; I’m less scared of people shooting me in the face. I’m so scared of leaving the house and that’s a huge sense of anxiety and I guess that my life will just be like that for now.
