I’ve been meaning to write a blog for Bravery Bottles for quite a while, but I haven’t been able to think of an idea that anyone would actually like to read, until today that is. Today was an awful day, and although it may sound like nothing to some of you reading this, it has been a massive thing for me.
I am autistic, so I like routine, I don’t like things not going the way I was expecting them to, I’m not sure why, but I know I’ve always been this way and chances are I always will be. I got up this morning and got dressed, took my medication as usual because my acid reflux tends to play havoc on towards the end of the week, again, I’m not too sure why, it’s been that way for years. I can almost hear you thinking ‘why is he writing this? Is anything actually going to happen? This sounds like a normal day to me.’ And it was, I left the house and went to the train station as usual, already nervous for the journey ahead, public transport has never been my strong point and today I was supposed to be attending my first shift as a personal assistant. Supposed to be being the key term in that sentence.
I got my ticket from one of those far too confusing, totally not built for small people machines and went to sit down on the platform, which was when I heard a somewhat concerning announcement: ‘There has been a train strike on the tracks, all trains to be delayed until further notice.’ Now, this may minorly inconvience some people, but for me it honestly felt like the end of the world. ‘What if I’m late? What if the kid’s in the playground crying because I can’t get there?’ My head started spinning with a million questions and what if situations a minute. I could feel a panic attack coming on. This was when I started to pace.
When I’m pacing, which is one of my main self stimulating behaviours i get funny looks, my friends and family always say i ‘make them nervous’ but when in public, i always get really strange looks, especially when I’m chewing a chewable necklace, which i often do when pacing, it helps to calm me down, but to onlookers it just looks like very strange behaviour. I was pacing and chewing whilst thinking of something to do, surrounded by what felt like 100 people on the platform (however it was probably more like 10) like I normally do, attempting to block out the dirty looks i was obviously getting, it wasn’t working. I texted my boyfriend for advice, he’s used to me worrying about seemingly normal situations. Although he isn’t autistic himself, he really understands.
’Just phone and explain to her mum, it will be fine. I promise. X’ was his response, i was questioning why i hadn’t thought of this myself, but whilst in meltdown my mind is doing everything but thinking of a sensible solution. So that’s what I decided to do, make a phone call to the child’s mum to tell her my situation, she knows I’m autistic and so is her daughter so is very understanding. A phone call might seem like nothing to most people reading this, but to me, especially whilst in a meltdown can seem like the end of the world.
My mind was in overdrive of what to do if she didn’t answer, i wasn’t quite paying attention whilst I was waiting for an answer. It got to the 4th ring and i heard a ‘Hello, Casper? Is everything okay?’ From the other end. She answered. I physically breathed a sigh of relief and explained that there was no realistic way i could get to school this afternoon. She was very understanding and even stayed on the phone to me until I’d calmed down and stopped myself from having the meltdown that had been triggered. I felt a lot better after I hung up, knowing it would be okay and I didn’t need to panic half as much as I already had done.
I am starting my first shift on monday instead. Hopefully I’ll have no issues with public transport then, but if i do, i know I’ll be okay. I’ve proved it today, and i think i certainly deserve to give myself a bead for today. I survived a public meltdown and have come out of the other side knowing I can handle anything public transport throws at me.
